Help Me Howard

Dr. Amy Baker PhD

Sep 25 Is Your Ex Trying To Ruin Your Relationship With Your Child? 10:00AM | September 25, 2009 | comments: 27

How would you know if your ex-spouse is trying to ruin your relationship with your child.

“It’s called ‘parental alienation’,” according to Dr. Amy Baker, an expert in Developmental Psychology from Columbia University. “It’s when a parent manipulates the child to reject the other parent.

According to Dr. Baker, “There’s a lot of different ways to do it. Unfortunately the other parent doesn’t always know. They might say, “Oh my ex doesn’t have a picture of me in that house”, and “Oh my ex is using a different last name from my kid.” But they don’t see the pattern. They don’t see that the other parent has an agenda to turn your child against you.”

What are the reasons this happens?

Dr. Baker names some possible causes of this kind of behavior.

“Revenge, spite, jealousy, an inability to understand the child has a separate need.”

Parents should tell themselves, they may be thinking they hate that person but their kid still needs that person as a parent.

“Crummy spouses,” she added, “can make pretty good parents.”

Parents need to learn about parental alienation before it’s too late.

“I can’t tell you how many parents have said, “Oh my god, now I see what’s happened but I’ve lost my kid,”" said Dr. Baker.

She urges parents to document every known parental alienation strategy their ex is using.

Parents can go to court if they see a pattern; a pervasive pattern of the use of these strategies.

Dr. Baker also cautions parents to use recommended responses.

“It’s not always obvious what the right thing to do is,” said Dr. Baker, “if your ex is bad mouthing you, or if your ex doesn’t have a picture of you in the house; if they start using a different last name, it’s hard to know what to do.

“Your kid could be living right next door to you, right across the street, in the same town as you, and if that child’s been alienated, you’re not going to have a relationship, that kid might as well be in Japan.”

Be aware, document. Stay calm with your child.

It’s important for the child that you be a reassuring, calm presence while this is going on.

” It’s easy to lose your cool,” said Dr. Baker. “What happens is your child visits the other parent then comes back to you with all kinds of accusations, lies, “why did you steal my college money, why did you break up the marriage.”

“What happens is the parent that’s being attacked starts getting very defensive, very angry, starts fighting with the child. You have to figure out how to get the truth out without bad-mouthing the other parent and without fighting with the child.

“What children remember is not the words, they remember the feeling of the relationship so if your ex is telling the kids that you’re crazy you’re unsafe, you’re violent and you start screaming at your kid, saying, ” I am not crazy. I am not violent”, you’ve undone what you’re trying to accomplish.

Your child is now feeling, this parent is making me feel bad, attacking me.

“Show that you are safe, show that you are loving in your actions.

“You also need,” she continued, “to help your child develop critical thinking skills, so you can prevent your child from becoming manipulated. That’s what parental alienation is, emotional manipulation, changing your children’s thoughts.

Dr. Amy Baker is the author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome.

She is nationally recognized as an expert in parent child relationships.

http://weblogs.wpix.com/news/helpmehoward/2009/09/is_your_ex_trying_to_ruin_your.html

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Educating Children, Parents, and Professionals

Help Me Howard Comment Posted by The Lee P.A.S. Foundation at September 25, 2009 11:17 PM

Howard,

We can’t thank you enough for inviting Dr. Amy Baker on your show. Her work is pivotal for parents and this has proven the result upon the children, is everlasting and emotionally damaging. This is a mourning process that never ends for not just parents but the children as well. It is very unnatural for a child who once had a loving relationship with both parents, to be forced to choose to love one and be angry and hate the other. This is not just a tit-for-tat spat between parents of divorce. It goes much deeper into a cycle of abuse that is learned behavior from past generations.

When I first met Dr. Baker, I had called her due to the fact that I too have been victim as well as my 4 children in an extreme case of alienation. I have joint custody and been denied access slowly over the years after the severe denigration against me. My children have been taught that humans are disposable. I am lucky enough that my youngest son has stayed strong and continued to not allow the anger to take hold and he has always spent time with me as all my children did from the beginning. He has been tormented not just by his dad for still being in my life but soon thereafter by the rest of his siblings. This has so far gone on for 8yrs. Recently, my older son (18) has moved in with me due to the fact that my ex threw him out of his home for talking to me and trying to mend our relationship. He has now been out casted by his father and sisters who refuse to talk with him at all. He has also had to deal with the guilt trips of his dad for being disloyal to him. Does that sound normal to you? The fact is that dad doesn’t have a babysitter for the younger siblings and can’t be the assisting parent to take the kids from point A to B. It is a typical Alienating factor to place guilt, and play the victim in need of help toward the children just to emotionally keep them and have control.

Through her guidance and education, I took it upon myself to learn as much as possible about this since the children are the true victims.

We now Moderate for the NJ Support Group for Parental Alienation in NJ and the tri-state area.

We have a Non-Profit Organization, which in now worldwide along with a weekly podcast radio show, for all targeted children, parents and extended families. I have presented in many places on the subject, including the Canadian Symposium last March. We have just recently started a new program of “Kids Helping Kids”, along with being involved in a research project with Dr. Douglas Darnall PhD, who is also an expert in the field.

We are also the NJ Representative for Lighting Candles Worldwide and Board of Director for Three sides To Every Story, another non-profit for Grandparents that have been denied access to see the children.

We have a Parenting Coach, and advocate that “Children need the love of both fit and loving parents” in order to lead a healthy life.

Too often we are receiving phone calls from children that are cutting themselves to stop the pain, have tried committing suicide in the past, suffering from depression, poor school grades and turning to alcohol and drugs.

In the same aspect, we are receiving devastating calls from parents looking for help, support and resources and are at wits end because they have not seen their children as court ordered.

It is unfortunate that there are so many families and children that are caught up in this sadistic epidemic that most Professionals refuse, pass you along, or try to help the children and families of Alienation since they do not specialize in this area, they can and have done more damage than good. The family court systems are not equipped to make correct and healthy decisions for these children because they are limited or blind to the fact that this is a true problem.

Is it healthy for a child to tell you to “Go slit your wrists and die, I don’t care if you breath anymore, I don’t need a Mommy/Daddy?”

Is it healthy for a child to state that “You hurt Daddy/Mommy because you took all the money and I hate you?”

Is it healthy for a child to say that “Mommy/Daddy says that we can’t see grandma and you anymore because you’re all evil since your rich?”

Is it healthy for a child to say “I don’t need you anymore, daddy will take care of us?”

This is a problem that needs more education for all levels of professionals. Starting in the schools with Dr. Amy Baker’s divorce program of “I Don’t Want To Choose” for middle school children. She is developing for Kindergarten and High school levels as well.

Educate the Forensic Specialists that have your children’s future in their hands to make the suggestions to the courts of “What is best for the children”.

Educate all Judges, Lawyers, GAL’s, Social Workers and don’t give as much power to the under educated Child Protective Services to take children away from a parent with unfounded accusations, or making life decisions that are actually exacerbating the Alienation of the child and parent relationship. This should only be allowed for Parental Alienation Experts to decide “for all court evaluations.”

Education is the key, for children, parents, lay persons, and professionals. We intend to help and stay dedicated to Education on the subject of Alienation through our Foundation.

Thank you Dr. Baker! Thank You Howard! We need more open eyes to save the children from this emotional harm.

Katrina C. Daniels Lee

Founder/Exec Director

The Lee PAS Foundation 908-303-4817

www.theleepasfoundation.org

www.talkshoe.com Talk cast ID 26868