hah! free time? what’s that? this blog post is serendipitously related to cyndi’s today, but really came out of a txting conversation with a close friend of mine on friday afternoon who has no children and is single and is very concerned about me….
she txted me on friday, and asked me what i do for fun, for myself, that has nothing to do with work or my kids. i had to think. a lot. because i don’t really do much right now outside of those two things, both of which i love (my kids best though of course). partly because i am not a “fun”-seeking person. and partly because i suffer from a severe time deficit, especially free time. as does any mom, and i think even more so moms with careers outside the home (although not always true — my sister’s activities and volunteering schedule for her two kids make my life look like a cake-walk). but it is a phase, transitory. i figure some day i will have as much time as i want, and i will miss my kids. a lot.
so i tried thinking back, over 15 years ago, to before i became a mom. and bear in mind, that i am just now surfacing from the frantic physical and intensive demands of very young and elementary-school-aged children into the world of pre-teens and teens — which is scarier but less time-consuming
when i was young not yet a mom, i remember most vividly the years i spent in grad school. eight of them. i was married when i started and married when i finished, but to different men. i am not a “fun”-type, understand, in the typical way. i like the occasional party, although prefer a serious-toned dinner party with heated intelligent (geeky) conversations. i don’t go to amusement parks. i don’t do sports. i am an — ugh — “intellectual”. i read, i study, i work. i love it. it is fun — to me.
back then, for myself, i obviously was working and studying a lot. i was becoming more and more serious as a bodybuilder, and spent three hours a day, six days a week at the gym. i was a bit of a healthy food fanatic and a vegan, and baked all my own bread, made everything (including mayo) from scratch. so i spent a lot of time cooking and baking, and then hunting down friends who could drop what they were doing and come over and share it. i loved to backpack (until i got lyme disease). i learned to rock-climb. i loved the ocean, and spent as much time there as possible. i traveled for fun. i read, and read, and read, anything i could get my hands on. i loved to go out and listen to live, pretty hard-core, punk and alternative rock. i played with funky hair color. i learned and loved to ride my motorcycle. i spent a lot of time in therapy sorting out my first marriage and my childhood. i walked for hours and hours around NYC. i loved to go out to eat. i loved tequila.
then… i got pregnant. and pregnancy curtailed MANY of the above-mentioned activities. no tequila, no motorcycle, no funky hair colors, no night clubs, no rock-climbing. i read and slept and studied and ate.
my daughter was born and i fell into the black hole known as first-time motherhood (almost equaled by the way by the other black hole known as the PhD qualifying exam). i had completely disappeared. time for a shower? gone. to eat? gone. to sleep? hah! my friend who has no children cannot possibly understand this part.
the next six years were spent with babies. my daughter, then a lost baby, and then my son. immersed in baby and toddler time, with a husband who had become chronically pissed off and all of us living in a new state and town, i was happy to be mommy. yes, i loved to walk and i loved to read. and i loved to bake, and i loved to eat. but most of all, i loved my babies. and i tried to block out the rest.
the several years that have followed have been filled with insanity as well as great joy. both my parents have suffered a number of illnesses, and my father passed away. i returned to the work force, and have spent years juggling a career and a family with virtually no help from my husband, and no help from family, who all live far away. i have served in public office as an elected official. i have traveled for work and to visit family, and not for pleasure.
and i have spent most of the past four years since my father died in another black hole — that of grief and depression. for the loss of my father, and for the growing awareness of the incomplete life i am living in my marriage.
about a year ago, my doctor asked me what i look forward to. she stumped me. i stammered out “spending time with my kids”. she thought i needed to be able to say more than that. but depression saps one’s soul, and takes away the pleasure of many things. i am getting there. but it is hard work.
i have more free time now. my kids like to have me around, but they grow in independence, and time with them is precious and wonderful and shorter. and i look back at that list of things that i used to love to do for myself, for “fun”. and the funny thing is, i am coming out on the other side of FIFTEEN event-filled years, and i am a different person now, and i need to come up with a different list. not to mention that i don’t have half the energy i used to, or the desire to take the same risks as when i did not have kids.
i realized that i actually DO take time for me. i walk every morning for exercise, i still dye my almost totally silver hair 40-something funky colors (no more stop-sign red), i love to savor a big salad, i love to read. i write on this blog, and in many other places. i spend time talking and writing and txting my few close friends. i enjoy keeping my house in order. i actually love to do laundry. i am spending lots of time in therapy trying to figure this all out, and find my joy again.
what would i LIKE to do for fun, for me? i want to read more, for fun. i want to learn to paint. i want to have a bit more time to shop — i have a particular fixation with dressing “different”, and it takes time to find things that fit my style. i want more time to sit in quiet reflection. i want to do more volunteer work, and have applied to volunteer at a domestic violence shelter. i still love to walk around a city, although Boston has nothing on NYC.
i would love to spend time with a man who is “totally into me”. i am so sad about the fact that my husband does not seem to be able to fill that slot. spending romantic and sensual time with a man would be something to do for me that just is not on my list right now….
i have no regrets about the lack of “me” time over the years. in all honesty, i don’t understand this “me” time concept — it does not mesh with the person i am. because, truly, spending the time with and taking care of my kids WAS something i did for me, not just for them. the moments of joy and memories i hold are all mine and, especially the early ones, are precious gifts i share with my children who don’t remember those moments. i know my friend without kids does not understand. even my friends WITH kids don’t always understand. my favorite thing to do when i have free time and want to do something for fun for myself is spend time with my kids. we explore new places, we go out to eat, we go shopping, we laugh, we listen to music, we play video games, we talk and talk. they are growing up, and soon, someday, spending time with them like i do right now won’t be one of the options on my daily list.
i need to start working on the list of things i do for me, i guess, because time keeps on going forward…
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